That Waiter last night was Cute...

I like 80s music. Listening to Tiffany's "I think we're alone now" right now. I downloaded it after watching MMM Top 20 Teen Idols. I also downloaded Menudo after that too. I first heard Menudo on Pop-Up Video. I like that show.

I'm tired. Sleepy. I hope I don't fall asleep.

I'm not that hungry either. Is that a bad thing?

I think Snake said something about Tiffany dancing with Gumby in the mall....

Do you believe in magic?

I can't live in a world without love

You're my favorite mistake

One is the loneliest number...

I wanna be a bad girl

Stand Up

Get Low

Rape me

You kept awake, dreaming someone else's dream

Shake it, shake it!

You know who fucking pisses the hell outta me?

Marius.

Now, i know some of you are like, who the hell is Marius?

Well, i'll tell you. he's some guy in an opera. Ok, not some guy. The guy that my FAVE character is in love with. (I've ranted about this before, i know, but still) She's all finding this chick for him, giving her his love letters, stuff like that, and he's all, gee, thanks.
And then, when she dies, he's sad for about a total of 2 seconds, and then he gets married to his 'love of his life'. he's known this chick for like, 10 minutes.

I fucking hate him. He pisses me off so much. He's ungrateful. I hope he burns in hell.

Yah, i know he's not real, but still, i hate him.

I almost cried today, driving to school, because i was listening to the deaths of the ppl i liked. it was sad. But i fucking hate marius. i was upset that he didn't die. bastard. or her. bitch.

oh well.

felt like a rant while listening to my music. sorry. i'm done now.

If you could describe yourself in one word, what would you pick? (as taken from Karen's blog)

I think i would choose... complicated.

That, or... stuff.


I was reading Chris's blog... and he said something about craving.

Yah, i crave. i crave things i probably shouldn't crave for. some are impossible things. some are stupid. but still, i crave. Not need, just crave. There's nothing wrong with craving, or wanting to crave.

Sometimes i crave normalcy. at least, that what i craved yesterday. well, that's what i wanted. And, ok, like that's ever gonna happen, but still, it sorta happened. i was ok after awhile.


i caught myself thinking of you. then i stopped. go me


heh, you know what's funny? I've taken Sehti's advice before. I've run. I run away from a lot of things.

Relationships. Friends. Feelings.
just to name a few.

Is there anything wrong with that?


I take away your pain
and show you all the beauty you possess
if you'd only let yourself believe that

(lyrics taken from Sarah McLachlan's "Adia")

I was on my way to school one day, and I thought about that(/those) line(s). It really stuck out for some reason. Maybe i was having a shitty day. An "ugly" day as I like to call them (i feel as though i have many).

And I can't shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but
I wanna see you again

(lyrics taken from Dido's "Sand in my Shoes")

I think of these lyrics too... but for other reasons... i think. I like this song...

What the hell is wrong with me?

Today when i got home after my first class, after having lunch at Alegria, i took a nap so i wouldn't fall asleep in my other class.

I had a bad dream. It was upsetting and when i woke up, i was almost shaking. I had bad vibes. So i went to the Cafe, so i could calm down. It helped. Joy put me in a drama class. That's cool.

But i was so upset by my dream. Why am I having dreams like this?

When i got to school, i saw that he was ok, so i was better. but still, he wasn't there, but he was, and he wasn't at the same time. it was a confusing, strange dream.

I don't want to worry....

I don't want to be afraid...

I guess that's how it goes... a good thing and a bad thing.

Couple nights ago, I had a semi-good dream. This morning, I had a bad dream.

It made me sad, and tired, and for a second, I was worried. About him. Because he wasn't there anymore, and I didn't like that.

I don't even know why i'm even thinking about it now, but still, i am. Other stuff happened, I know, and it didn't exactly fit, but it did. A music video for death? not as strange as it may seem i guess. Hell, my layout is (in my opinion) an art representation of death.

I don't want to think anymore, and i've found that i don't like my resolutions. not that i don't plan on doing them, or try to do them, i just don't like them any more for reasons i do not wish to explain.

And i'm upset because I screwed up Karen's dinner thing. I'm sorry, I know i'm a screw up and i make a mess of your plans. I don't do them on purpose.

I'm tired of thinking. Today I thought about my scars, and how i could try and reopen them. I won't, but our knives at work are so sharp and new and while i was cutting potatoes i cut part of my nail (not in the food though). It's because i was tired, and i was tired because of my dream. my bad dream.

i'm having a tired day, and hopefully it'll go away.

i know that this may sound like i'm depressed, i'm not. I'm just having a crappy day.

sorry, i'll stop now.

Not only will I try and be less afraid of things... but I will try and lower my defences. Do you know how hard that is going to be for me?

But it could be worth it... Just to get one Peter Pan kiss...

One of my defences is being crazy. Yes, I scare guys away. (Big Shock, I know!) (ps, check the sarcasm there)

I'm going to try and not do that so much. I'll need help, though. I don't know how to not have defences.

But I remember Mike, when we used to talk. And I would not hide. But I can't wear my heart on my sleeve. I just can't.

Karen, You said that certain movies influence you and stuff. Well, for every movie that some guy has broken some girl's heart... I guess that's mine. I can't get hurt if I don't try.

But... Trying... that's my goal this year. At least one of them. I going to try Trying. Big leap for me. But in small baby steps.

Me and Em were talking today, and we both got kinda sad about not having boyfriends (which is how we get when we talk about not having boyfriends.) She wants one guy, and I want... well... i guess... well, not any guy, but someone at least. And if any of my friends read this (which some of you might) it's not who you might think it is. It's not. He'll find sheep somewhere. And I'll find someone. Maybe...

But enough of all that sappy love talk.

I watched Hamlet today. No, not a boring dull one. A really funny bad one that Mike, Crow and Tom made fun of. So fuckin hilarious! Me and Maren watched part of it on tuesday or something, and I was crying i laughed so much, and I also strained my kidney! I STRAINED MY KIDNEY! and it was because i was laughing sooooo much.

Losertes, Craplet

But it's cherry flavoured kid poison. He should like it

there are other funny comments. you just have to watch it to really get it. So fuckin hilarious!

Hmmm... Well, Happy New Years and all that stuff... Kinda late, I know, but hey, Better late than never, right?

And... I suppose it wouldn't have been too bad to give that guy my number... Its not like I couldn't just talk to the guy, right? And... about the whole 'trial dating' thing... i don't think i could ever EVER go out with him... I don't know if I have a good reason or not, I just couldn't do it. Well, maybe a date, but that's all I think i could muster...

I don't want to think about you. I don't.

Last night, or this morning, or something, I had a dream about bacon. Yes, that's right, bacon. Someone was cooking bacon, for me. At least, i think it was for me. And when I entered the kitchen this morning and poured myself some Frosted Flakes, I remembered about bacon. So, maybe on friday, I will have bacon, or... no, on Saturday, since I'm working Friday morning, and I get up early on thursdays. So, on saturday, I will have bacon for breakfast.

Love... i want it and I don't. its too much hassle, its messy, it makes you discombobulated.
But it can make you feel so good. I've never experienced love. I've been to scared to even try.
Not this year. This year I will try and be less afraid of that which frightens me. Try new things, meet new people.

Love... why can't all first kisses be as innocent as that? As that perfect kiss, so pure, so innocent, so loving without sex in the background.
Why can't I have a kiss like that? Why can't I have a kiss at all?


No, I will stop moping around. I will not be all... love-mopey.
Heh... i was going to write, i will not be love-thinking at all.
But that would go against my resolution, wouldn't it? Or, at least, it sort of would.
Be Less Afraid
I'm going to try, but its not easy. Baby steps.

Baby steps...